I must preface this latest tale with a small not of caution to the viewer: too much information ahead.

My mother is one of those quirky delightful moms who began to buy things for her daughter once I left for college. This is sweet, and would be absolutely charming and June Cleaver-esque if not for the fact that the items are not nicely woven sweaters, or jewelery or fun mother-daughter romping through the mall type items. Rather, my mother sees, and purchases drugstore hygiene products for me: dental floss, razors and shave gel.

Normal people would question how they are perceived upon receipt of such gifts, do i smell? Do i not maintain a normal standard of personal hygiene? But no, my mother is who she is and instead of questioning myself, i have taken to simply being thankful that my mother has saved me from spending another $20 at CVS for normal upkeep. It was this past holiday season that i received my latest gift: two boxes (sale) of thong panty liners. I now have a hearty supply which i can build a handy, absorbent, and mildly scented raft to make my transcontinental journey, should i need one.

Today, I had a lovely visit with my OB/GYN, a nice middle aged man with a good sense of humor; it is my general policy that any man in who can be in such a personal situation with me be lighthearted and amusing, or in the very least think I am. I was recently informed that my previously pristine pap smear came back abnormal. Most women have an instance of "inconclusive" where their doctor tells them that they'll check on it next year. Mine was abnormal, something wasn't maybe wrong, it is wrong...how wrong is the question. A colpascopy is similar to a pap smear, but they magnify the view, it takes longer, and they swap around the look for the culprit.
Before getting probed I was introduced to Larry, a medical student. I told Larry of my previous run ins with medical students who didn't think i was funny, he assured me he did. Larry was cool and we chatted. Upon asking if i had any final questions I told Larry yes, would there be complimentary beverages on this flight? Larry got extra points because he responded by bringing me water.

My doctor came in and placed the gynecological equivalent of the Hubble telescope up to my cervix and checked out my interior decorating. As the doctor, Larry the Med student, and the nurse who found it amusing I talked the scale down a few pounds pondered what microscopic nemesis my reproductive track was battling, I was busy reading Naked by David Sedaris. If you have not read this off-beat gem, it is hysterical. While I read, there was discussion, lots of hmmms, and ohhhs, so much so that I called out "aww, now i wanna see". As they biopsied what may or may not be a prelude to cancer I pondered the creation of stirrup pads, GPS luggage finders, and that McDonald's McFlurry I had been denying myself.
I was told some post-procedure things like: no sex for two weeks (shouldn't be too tricky), no alcohol that night and that the silver nitrate dabbed inside would cause a dark discharge for a few days and not to worry.

I actually had to stop myself from joking that I would no longer be able to build my raft and take that much needed trip, but that I it would be okay...they were good humored, not clairvoyant.